1. Understanding Behavior

II. Supporting Changes in Behavior

Children’s behavior and intentions toward us will change only if we change our approaches. Although we do not cause children to misbehave, we can reinforce and encourage their misbehavior and their selection of faulty goals by reacting in ways they expect. Therefore, we must concentrate on changing our own behavior is we wish children to change theirs.

We all have our own beliefs and attitudes towards children. We need to look at ourselves and try to understand where "We are coming from" in order to be most effective in working with children.

Often our day-to-day relationships with our children do not match our honorable intentions and ideals -- and there is a reason for this. Our society has influenced us to focus on finding fault, to expect the worst, and many times to be discouraged towards children and ourselves. But we don’t have to perpetuate this cycle. We can replace our "programming" with a new set of attitudes and behaviors.

1. We all need to become more encouraging and to plan to eliminate the following attitudes and behaviors:

• Negative expectations.
Our expectations are communicated by word and gesture. Children internalize the expectations of adults. That is, they take them for their own.
 
• Unreasonably high standards.
We often set standards, which are impossible for children to meet. We often expect performances beyond their ages and abilities.
 
• Promoting competition.
We are usually unaware of promoting competition between children. Comparisons may be expressed nonverbal.
 
• Double standards.
Many of us believe that they should have rights and privileges, which they deny to their children.

1. To overcome these discouraging attitudes, we must work toward the following attitudes:

• Accepting children as they are, not only as they could be.
People cannot improve unless they feel good enough about themselves to believe they can improve. WE MUST LEARN TO SEPARATE THE DEED FROM THE DOER. Children will not always perform as we would.
• Ignore negative behavior.
But doing this must be accompanied by giving attention for positive behavior. You could say, "I like the way Sally is sitting so quietly." or "David remembered to walk behind the other children."
• Be positive.
Stop using negative comments about a child. Say everything positively. Focus on what they are doing correctly. Your must have attitude when working with children.
• Genuinely believe in their goodness.
• Have faith in children so they can believe in themselves.
• Recognize effort and improvement as well as final accomplishment.
Encouragement implies reasonable expectations (one step at a time) and that we accept the child'’ efforts and failures as well as successes.
• Encourage rather than praise.
Praise can be discouraging. Praise is a type of reward and is based on competition. Praise is an attempt to motivate children with external rewards and employs words, which place value judgments on the child. "You are a good boy." Encouragement on the other hand is given for effort or for improvement. Encouragement is aimed at helping a child feel worthy. This it attempts to motivate children through internal means. It focuses on how the child feels about his noteworthy performance. "Your tied you own shoes. How does that make you feel inside?" or "I like the way you…"

III. Communication

Express limits in terms of options the child has available to him. "You can work with that quietly or put it back on the shelf." or "You can stop being silly or leave the line."

Authority messages are not the only way to get results. When it is necessary to use certain phrases, watch your TONE. It is usually the tone with which we say certain things to children that set the stage for conflict not the words themselves. "Didn’t you hear me?" … "I guess you didn’t hear Me." or "We don’t __________ at school." … "Do we _________ at our school?"

HONESTY must be the best policy. I can only expect the child to be honest with me if he feels he won’t be dumped on for telling me the truth. This is important for his making future choices not for "talking back" what he just did. "What should we do about this?"

Corrections should be informational no moralistic. So often the child needs an explanation no a scolding. If I begin moralizing, I may be assuming an intentionally on his part that what the problem is and many times the solution will take care of itself. "Please don’t put the color tablets in your mouth. I gets your germs all over them and then I don’t want to touch them." or "I can see your are enjoying seeing how far you can jump, but that is an outside activity."

Spending too much time reacting to a balking child is self-defeating. A child who’s decided not to do whatever I’m interested in having him do will think of any number of ways to avoid following my lead. But at the same time, he doesn’t want me to simply leave so he tries to keep me there.

Children have only had a very short lifetime to learn to be a social creature. The child’s feelings are his own but his actions affect other people and therefore he must find some socially acceptable form of physical expression. "It is OK to be angry but you still can’t hurt." or "What else can (or could) you do?"

Acknowledge that you have "heard" him helps to calm the child’s growing desperation when they are in an angry fury. I do hear him but even so I cannot give in to the desires being expressed by him. Practice "active" listening. Don’t hang feelings on a child that he may not be experiencing. Avoid saying, "You don’t really mean that…"

Give I-messages. Model the self-awareness being sought in the child. Sharing you feelings facilitates your ability to communicate and ultimately problem-solve. These are far more that I-statement.

An I-message describes how the child’s behavior makes you feel. The message focuses on you, not the child. I reports what you feel and it does not assign blame. I-messages express what the sender is feeling. They are specific. In an I-message, the tone of voice is crucial. It must sound non-judgmental. Consider this – It’s usually not the child’s behavior per say that’s displeasing you but rather the consequences the behavior produces for you and how it interferes with your needs or rights.

When you tell children how you feel about their behavior, let them know that your feelings relate to the consequences of their behavior rather than to the behavior itself. "With all the noise, I’m having a difficult time hearing."

• describe the behavior which is interfering with you

• state your feeling about the consequence that the behavior produces for you

• state the consequence

Use your eyes not your hands to hold the child. Physical entrapment triggers automatic resistance responses in the child. Replace concentrating on "What have you done?" with "What are you going to do now?"

Some children who already know they are out of line need redirection not chastisement. For instance, a child using a broom as a gun – "Where are you going to sweep?" To a child putting brown stair back loudly – "I’m going to listen to how quietly you put the next brown stair away." To an unattached child racing around the room – "Jaime, I have some new work I would like to show you."

Try to keep focus on affecting the child’s next act. This sets the child’s sights forward and I am increasing the probability that the child will incorporate the "correction" into his future behavior. "I bet you will remember to…" Also included here is "suggestive" talk. "I am sure you will remember to push in you chair." or "Next time, I a sure you will…"

Speak softly. If I suddenly need to make contact with a child, I try to get close, get down low, and say it softly. Children are often good at selective inattention and tune out harsh outbursts. As I get quieter, the child is forced to do so too. When a child is far away, however, and you need to get his attention, you can try one of the following:

• whisper child’s name (even 15 feet away)
• make eye contact
• send a messenger
• get other teacher’s attention
• wait for a good stopping point and get up from what you are doing

Give children advanced warning that this is the last time or the last warning. This allows the child the ability to end a behavior or activity for himself. "One more time." or "Five more minutes." A teacher doing the mystery bag could say, "This is my last turn." or "This is your last turn on the swing so make it a good one." or "You have five more minutes with that work and them its Mark’s turn." Then you must make sure that this "last time" is the last time.

When redirection is necessary, in most situations a simple "Find something to do." is not enough. With this statement, we are providing no guidance. It will be better to get a definite bearable commitment. You might say, "I need to know what you are going to work on." If the child says, "I don’t know." You could say, "choose something form these shelves." Then the child would choose say the spindle boxes. Then you would say, "Are you going to work at a table or on a rug."

If a child simply cannot decide, you may whish to try one of the ideas:

• "Sit here. Close your eyes and I’ll choose."

• Have the child sit in a chair and tell him you will return soon or have him raise his hand
• "I am going to close my eyes and you go get something you will like."

Sometimes, rather than focusing on the child you want to influence, choose another child and say it to him. Some circumstances dictate that it is better for us to keep from focusing attention on the child. You might say, "Oh, John’s kicking the door because he is angry. He wants a turn with that work."

If two children are watching a child work and one is touching the child’s work, you might say, " I like the way David has his hands behind his back not touching Mark’s work." or "I think if Peter can’t find some work by himself, I will have to choose for him." or "I would be sad if Matthew had to go inside because he is throwing sand." In essence, you are telling the child, " I think you can take care of this without my having to speak to you."

IV. Natural and Logical Consequences. Most people discipline children using rewards and punishment because that is how most of us were raised. These are some disadvantages:

• makes adults responsible for the child’s behavior
• prevents child form learning to make his own decisions
• prevents child form adopting rules for effective behavior
• suggests acceptable behavior expected only in presence of authority figures
• it invites resistance by attempting to force children to conform

• holds children responsible for their own behavior
• allows them to make their own decisions about causes of action
• leads to self-discipline – THE GOAL!

We can accomplish this goal because natural consequences permits children to learn form the natural or social order of events rather than forcing them to comply with the wishes of others. The child who refuses to eat, goes hungry. The child who insists on not wearing mittens, gets cold hands. These are some of the natural consequences. In situations where there are not natural consequences, logical consequences can be substituted. Logical consequences permit a child to learn form the reality of the social order. But for the consequences to be effective, the child must see them as logically related to their misbehavior. The consequences must fit the behavior. Ask yourself, "What would happen if I didn’t interfere?"

Remember that we cannot make a child do anything but you can decide what you are going to do. You will be changing your own behavior so as to change your child’s.

Before we go any further, in problem situations, ask yourself the following:

• Does the child know the rules?
• Are my expectations too high?

• Why might the child be doing this?
• Is the task too big for this child?
• Is the child bored?

• establish routine
• adjust your expectations so they are more appropriate
• re-arrange the situation
• set aside time alone with the child – quality time not quantity time
• give them advanced warning as to what’s going to happen

• only allow choices when you really mean to let him choose

Use logical and natural consequences when discipline is needed. Some examples are as follows:

• if dinner must be taken away, child goes hungry
• if child isn’t dressed by school time, he goes with what he has on (or doesn’t have on as the case may be)
• if child leaves bike out, take it away before his next ride
• if child is too silly, he is asked to leave the line
• if a child hurts, he is isolated form the group
• if child doesn’t come when called from playground, he loses some playtime the next day

Again, don’t use the consequences as a threat or punishment. Be firm. Express your own action but do not be domination or controlling the child’s behavior.

Your tone of voice is essential as well as your facial expressions. Remember, not to sound angry or act angry. Simply say, "You can stop being silly or leave the line."

Withdraw form the conflict and avoid a power struggle. Leave the scene yourself or have the child leave. Child, "I want some snack." Teacher, "No, snack time is over." Child, "But I want some!" and attempts to for some time. Take snack away and leave. (The bathroom is usually a safe place.)

Remember, that you can mentally leave the scene by ignoring. Walk away from temper tantrums. If a child finds that he doesn’t have an audience, he will eventually discover how much better "cooperation" works.

Use action not words. Don’t say, "How many time do I have to tell you to put that work away?" after reminding, talking does NOTHING. Action does. Children will soon become "teacher deaf" (or parent deaf) if we talk too much. Nothing can be verbally conveyed to a child at the time of a conflict. Deliberate defiance will probably result. The child can give appearance of listening but have tuned you out.

Action must replace words. Only two forms of action that do not express (and therefore increase) hostility are natural consequence and removal from the situation (him or you!). Lead the misbehaving child away from the line and say, "I’m sorry you don’t feel like behaving. You may come back to the line when you are ready." When he reappears, ask, "Are you ready?" Remember to use as few words as possible. You don’t need to rationalize this with the child.

Delay actions or consequences work very well. For example, if a child is throwing sand then the next day he will not be allowed to use the sand table.

Consistency is essential. Children need to know the limits. It makes them fell more secure when he knows exactly where he stands.

Use acts of pressure when you are giving choices. For example, a child is asked to leave the room but won’t. Say, "You can go by yourself or I can take you."

Some keys to remember:

• remove your emotions
• allow child responsibility for his own actions
• concern yourself only with your own behavior
• action – not words – let the consequences happen

• give them a chance to try again
• think about problem situations – at a peaceful time, of course
• sit down and list your rules
• decide what problems you want to take care of first – remember, don’t try to change everything all at once.
• Keep smiling